I’m like halfway done with page 10.

I’m feeling pretty great about my progress, even if I’m not completing a page a day. I’m completing closer to 2-3 pages per week. But something’s really been bothering me about the work I’ve been doing.

I’ll be super honest. I’m happy that I’m working as quickly and obsessively as I have been, but I’m not that happy with the results actually.

I have this horrible gnawing feeling in my art brain. I’m really envious. I’m still very envious of other artists I deem better than me and I don’t think it’ll ever go away. I have this nagging feeling that my art’s just not good enough. It’s still not where I want it to be. I thought by completing pages a good art style would come out. I’ve realized that my completed pages are filled with the art style I’m accustomed to producing. That much should be obvious, but I’ve been wanting to change my art style a lot.

Bottom line is I haven’t been “finalizing” or experimenting enough with style to work up to my own expectations, and I’m feeling really bad about it. I mean, hopefully without TMI-ing, I’m pretty mood-swingy right now and if it weren’t for that I wouldn’t be as upset but I’m just not pleased with myself right now.

What I really hate is that I might have to delay my initial release even further, but it’s in hopes that I will be producing my comic pages in a style that I really am happy with.

Actually… I really want to focus on a few positives. I have accomplished a few things, including learning some stuff about this process.

I’ve realized I’m completely capable of producing 3 pages per week at a quality that I think is pretty consistent and detailed. I continue to obsess over this project. It still hurts me any day I don’t touch this project. I’ve also realized that because I’m so obsessed, I walk the fine line of almost not caring that it takes 8 to 10 hours per page to paint in detailed colored characters and environments, but also caring enough that I complete comic pages at a steady pace. I’d really like to bring up some encouraging thoughts for myself right now, because I’m still feeling pretty bad.

I wish my colors and shading were a bit softer and more iridescent. I want to break some old habits. I want to play around with brushes. I think what I’m going to need to do is take a tiny break from “execution” and just focus on mock-up art style changes, and remind myself that when I simply put in the hours and set my mind on a singular task, it’ll get accomplished.

I actually did try to change my style a few times. Each time I did I feel like it didn’t work so well.

Here’s an example:

I tried to take heavy influence from several artists I really wanted to learn from. I’m not pleased with the result.

Several people have looked at all the comic pages I have so far. I keep looking for approval from others. I have it. The problem isn’t the approval from others. The problem is I don’t whole-heartedly love my artwork right now. Better phrased, it could be better. I could be happier with it. I shouldn’t produce artwork I myself don’t like and then expect others to like it more.

I’ve been working pretty hard on this project. For that amount of hard work, I think it’s sad that I’m this displeased with what I’ve been producing. I want to stop pressuring myself with deadlines and focus on quality at the moment and make sure I figure out a style I’m really happy with.

I don’t want to go back to the pages I’ve already produced and re-work them. I’m going to let them look how they look, and produce my later pages with hopefully a different style that I like.